Separation Anxiety
The following e-mail which I received from a woman, convinced me to write this chapter.
Greetings Dr. Elitzur,
I read the material on your website with great interest and enjoyed it all very much. My name is Leah, and I am 27 years old. The reason I am turning to you is because I am suffering from Separation Anxiety, which is out of all proportion. It is so bad, that even if a guy, for whom I have feelings, leaves me for a moment to go to the bathroom, I feel as if he left me. When I phone my boy friend and he doesn't pick up the phone, I feel that he doesn't want to see me again, or that he is fed up with me. Even my understanding that these are unsubstantiated feelings does not neutralize the situation.
As far as I know, there is no psychiatric medication that can help overcoming Separation Anxiety syndrome. After having read many books on the subject, I understand that in many cases this syndrome originates in early childhood. I turn to you, because I know that you are an expert on the subject of anxiety, and the useful methods of coping with it. Why is it then that the Separation Anxiety Syndrome is missing from your website?
Many thanks, Leah.
Dear Leah,
In my opinion, the term "Separation Anxiety" is inaccurate. The fear is not from the separation itself, but from its possible imaginary outcome. However, since "Separation Anxiety" is a term used by both professionals and the lay public, I will use that term here as well.
It is important to distinguish between the fear of being alone in times of severe danger, and experiencing Separation Anxiety. Fear of being alone in time in severe danger, is a positive response that increases the level of stress hormones, which prepares us for
"Fight or Flight"
reaction. (More details can be found in the chapters
"Fight or Flight"
and
"Anxiety Helped Survival".)
By contrast, experiencing Separation Anxiety stems from the feeling of helplessness while facing an imaginary minimal threat that does not scare other people our age.
It is normal for young children to experience Separation Anxiety due to the fact that objectively they are helpless to cope alone with a dangerous situation. The same reaction may be observed in the animal kingdom. Separation Anxiety is common among young animals when their parents leave them alone to bring food. They cry out loud when their parents are away. The reason for making these loud noises is to ensure the parents will not abandon them for long.
Evolutionary Psychology
explains this phenomenon as follows: it is as if the young one is sending a message to the parents "If you will not immediately come to protect me, I will be so loud that predators will notice me and come to get me. This will be your fault and the reason that your genes will not survive."
When an older child or an adult experiences Separation Anxiety it is important to investigate the psychological reasons that cause him to feel helpless, when he is alone.
One of the most important lesson parents need to teach a child is to develop within himself the skills of coping with dangerous situations, which may exist in their environment. Unfortunately, some parents neglect doing it; some do not prepare them properly and some are overly protective. As a result, when their children grow up, they may suffer form Separation Anxiety or they may develop over dependency on others, when they encounter situations which with other people their ages cope well.
Among forest animals, there is an intensive period of training the litter. As an example, when a young monkey encounters a predator for the first time in his life, the characteristics of that predator are engraved in his mind, such as: sound, smell, color, height and tail of the predator. From that moment on, when the young monkey senses one of these characteristics among the bushes, he does not take any risk. He applies the first stage of survival, the "Generalization Stage." His level of stress hormones is increased, his body is prepared for
"Fight or Flight"
response and immediately he climbs up a tree. Only after realizing, from the top of a tree, that he made many mistakes in identifying predators, he moves to the second stage of survival: "the Discrimination Stage." The monkey learns to discriminate between characteristics of a real dangerous predator and those of a non-dangerous one.
An older child or a grownup who was not trained by his parents to upgrade to the Discrimination stage, has a level of stress hormones which is elevated, even when facing an imaginary threat while being alone. As a result he experiences Separation Anxiety.
After finishing writing the above chapter, I e-mailed Leah the following suggestions how to cope by herself with her Separation Anxiety.
Dear Leah,
I read very carefully your e-mail and there is no doubt that you suffer from severe Separation Anxiety. I followed your suggestion and added a chapter to my website on the subject. In this chapter, I discuss the basic theoretical explanations of the phenomena. It is important for you to read the chapter since "knowledge is power." The more you understand your overreaction to separation, the easier it is to overcome it.
As explained in the chapter, Separation Anxiety and fear of being alone are typical to very young children. Parents have the duty to develop in their children coping techniques against real or imaginary threats. I assume your parents failed in accomplishing this task, while you were a child. If you wish, you can try to do it yourself since it is never too late to try to improve ourselves.
I recommend that you buy a notebook, where you write almost daily conversations between two persons within you: a little girl, who is afraid of being alone and a supportive mother image, who guides the little girl how to overcome such fear. Whenever you experience Separation Anxiety, write in you notebook how the little girl feels and the incident that evoked those feelings. Try to write her catastrophic expectations, such as: what might happen if her boy friend were to desert her. When you finish describing her fears, guide her, as a supportive mother, to cope, in a mature way, with her catastrophic expectations.
While you try to cope with your fears by yourself, I recommend that you go to my website and read the chapter about relaxation techniques and listen to the
Relaxation Recordings.
Whenever you overreact to separation, do the breathing technique as many times as needed and when you can, listen to one of the
Relaxation Recordings.
In case my suggestions are not sufficient in helping you to overcome your anxiety, you should consult a psychotherapist.
I wish you luck,
Baruch Elitzur PhD.
People suffering from separation anxiety, tend to have a cautious personality more than their peers. Since “knowledge is power”, it eases for self-acceptance and for positive coping with separation anxiety, reading of the chapter
"Cautious vs. Daring" is recommended.